Why Cooking with Cast Iron is the Manliest Way to Cook

1. It’s Black.
It’s all black. One solid chunk of blackness. Any cookware made of cast iron should be heavy and black. You don’t get any plastic handles or painted-on logos. Anything written on cast iron is stamped into the metal and will last forever. Which brings me to my second point:

2. It Lasts For-Fucking-ever
I could take my favorite Skillet and throw it out the window, leave it out there for 20 years, dig it up and season it and it’d be safe to cook on*. There’s no part of cast iron that can “break”. I have put a skillet through some very tough thermal shock and never had a problem. You can take it camping with you and use it to hammer in tent poles. The worst thing that can happen is that you ruin the “seasoning” on it but…

3. You Can Fix it Yourself
Good luck trying to reapply teflon to your 3-year-old pan that you just forgot was on the burner. Also enjoy the cancer you just got from whatever was vaporized. Looks like it’s time to go out and buy a new $50 pan and make sure you’re up to date on your health insurance premiums, dumb ass. Next time use cast iron, which loves the high heat and just needs a nice little oil-rub  to be ready to go again. I’m pretty sure even YOU can figure that one out.

4. It’s Science
Now don’t get all scared on me. This isn’t going to be on your GED exam. I’m not even going to use big words like “polymerization” because I want all of you to keep reading. There’s a lot of cool information out there about cast iron and how it heats up and transfers heat to the food. There’s even more interesting stuff out there about exactly what “seasoning” is and how it works. I love all that stuff but you don’t HAVE to know it. All you have to know is:

5. You Cook with High Heat
Turn that fucking flame up. If you don’t hear that high-heat sizzle when you slap a sirloin on your griddle, then be assured you just ruined your dinner. Cornbread should sizzle when you pour the batter into the skillet because the skillet should be hot. I have cast iron bread pans that get preheated with the oven before I butter them up and pour the batter in. Cast iron cookware should always be hot. The rule in our house is that if there is cast iron cookware on the stove, assume it’s hot until proven otherwise.

6. The Perfect Steak is done on Cast Iron
It follows logically that if the manliest food out there is steak, and the best way to cook a steak is on cast iron, then cast iron must be the manliest way to cook.

I’m sure that I will get detractors who will claim that an open flame is clearly the manliest way to cook. But I disagree. It is too primal and uncontrolled. Cast iron takes the power of the open flame and directs it towards its one purpose. Like a gun controlling an explosion to fire a bullet, a cast iron skillet controls a flame to create delicious food.

*This is not true if you live in an irradiated waste-land. If you do live in irradiated waste-land then I assume that your bunker doesn’t have any windows and that you won’t be alive for 20 more years.

Overdue Review: Inglourious Basterds

Quentin Tarantino directs this story about a fateful night at the cinema during the Third Reich. This is Tarantino doing WWII  so obviously this movie is full of horrific content, terrible visuals, and offensive language – you know that if you’ve ever seen something by Tarantino or you know anything about WWII. But honestly the hardest thing to stomach in this movie is the tension. Christoph Waltz – who plays Col. Hans Landa – put me on the edge of my seat the entire time he was on screen, and I fucking loved it.

Tarantino usually blows himself pretty hard when it comes to music choices and those mid-movie title cards, but I think he reined himself in this time. He put a big sour note in the middle of Django Unchained with that title card about Denver or something (I don’t remember the specifics other than the hatred I felt). Kill Bill was way over the top with the music choices even measured against the over-the-top nature of that movie. Inglourious Basterds used simple black title cards with white text breaking the movie into four chapters. I still found it distracting – like when those fancy magicians do a lot of frilly dancing and crap instead of just doing the damn trick, but at least the music always seemed in service to the scene instead of forcing the scene to service the music, which kept the tension high.

He’s definitely still jerking himself off a bit with the double misspelling in the title, but all in all I think that this movie is another right step for Tarantino. Hopefully he will stop relying on gimmicks and he’ll just direct a movie instead of making a statement. Inglourious Basterds gives me hope that we’ll get more than a handful of actual, solid movies from him that he hasn’t masturbated all over before he dies.

Professor Flood’s Grammar Tips!

Professor Don Flood
Professor Don Flood
I have noticed a lot of confusion on this website vis a vis the mixing up of homophones, and I thought that I’d put together a “cheat sheet” to help you out with a few common errors.

There / Their / They’re

Use there when referring to a location:

Ex: The dangerous negros are over there.

Use their to indicate possession or ownership.

Ex: The Red-Chinese have lost their will to oppose the white race.

Use they’re as a contraction of they are

Ex: I know all about Hebrews, they’re a sneaky race.

Its / It’s

It’s is a contraction of it is

Ex: It’s inevitable that the coloreds will rise up against white power.

Its is a possessive pronoun.

Ex: The welfare mother doesn’t care for its children.

Too / Two /To

Two refers to the number 2!

Ex: Two fields of cotton must be picked by sun-down!

Too is similar to ‘also’

Ex: My wife was found with a greasy wop too.

To is used for all other occasions (mostly directions)

Ex: I’m going to take a bat to my Persian neighbor’s head

I hope this clears up these common homopohone problems for you!

When suddenly, the e-mail thread was interrupted

From: Tom Wolynski
To: Dave Brass <dave@Brickwood-Logistics-Inc.com>, Terry Davos  <terry@Brickwood-Logistics-Inc.com>,  Mark Merk@Brickwood-Logistics-Inc.com>

Subject: Finance Presentation

Hey team,
I’ve attached the finance presentation for Q4 2010.  Please review and get back to me.

– Tom Wolynski
Vice President of Sales

**********

From: Tom Wolynski
To: Dave Brass <dave@Brickwood-Logistics-Inc.com>, Terry Davos  <terry@Brickwood-Logistics-Inc.com>,  Mark Merk@Brickwood-Logistics-Inc.com>, karen@Brickwood-Logistics-Inc.com>

Subject: Whoops!  Finance Presentation

I forgot to include Karen on this email!  She’s been included.
(I also forgot to attach the file 😛  )

-Tom Wolynski
Vice President of Sales

**********

From: Dave Brass
To:  Tom Wolynski<tom@Brickwood-Logistics-Inc.com>, Terry Davos  <terry@Brickwood-Logistics-Inc.com>,  Mark Merk@Brickwood-Logistics-Inc.com>, Karen Carter, <karen@Brickwood-Logistics-Inc.com>
CC: rsunderbrock@gmail.com, abbiedavis@yahoo.com

Subject: re: Whoops!  Finance Presentation

Hey Tom, I’m lukewarm on your proposal.  I’ve CC’ed Rick Sunderbrock and Abbie Davis on this email as well so we can get their feedback.

**********

From: Rick Sunderbrock
To:  Tom Wolynski<tom@Brickwood-Logistics-Inc.com>, Terry Davos  <terry@Brickwood-Logistics-Inc.com>,  Mark Merk@Brickwood-Logistics-Inc.com>, karen@Brickwood-Logistics-Inc.com>, Dave Brass <dave@Brickwood-Logistics-Inc.com>
CC: abbiedavis@yahoo.com, Tad Hunter <tad@Brickwood-Logistics-Inc.com>

Subject: re: re: Whoops!  Finance Presentation

Ladies and Gentlemen,
While I’m glad to have been invited to comment on the new finances, I have left the company to pursue other opportunities.  I’ve CC’ed my replacement, Tad Hunter, who will be able to help you!
– Rick Sunderbrock

**********

From: Tad Hunter
To:  Bettie E. <betty@Brickwood-Logistics-Inc.com>, Tom Wolynski<tom@Brickwood-Logistics-Inc.com>, Terry Davos  <terry@Brickwood-Logistics-Inc.com>,  Mark Merk@Brickwood-Logistics-Inc.com>, karen@Brickwood-Logistics-Inc.com>, Dave Brass <dave@Brickwood-Logistics-Inc.com>
CC: abbiedavis@yahoo.com, Tad Hunter <tad@Brickwood-Logistics-Inc.com>, Richard Lempkin <lempkin@Brickwood-Logistics-Inc.com

Subject: FWD: re: re: re: Whoops!  Finance Presentation

I’m going to have to check with Lempkin on this one, I’ve forwarded this to his secretary as well.

**********

From: Bettie E.
To:  Albert Marx <albert@Brickwood-Logistics-Inc.com>, Tom Wolynski<tom@Brickwood-Logistics-Inc.com>, Terry Davos  <terry@Brickwood-Logistics-Inc.com>,  Mark Merk@Brickwood-Logistics-Inc.com>, karen@Brickwood-Logistics-Inc.com>, Dave Brass <dave@Brickwood-Logistics-Inc.com>
CC: abbiedavis@yahoo.com, Tad Hunter <tad@Brickwood-Logistics-Inc.com>, Richard Lempkin <lempkin@Brickwood-Logistics-Inc.com

Subject: FWD: re: FWD: re: re: re: Whoops!  Finance Presentation

u guys r having a financial discussion without me?! :(  im forwarding this issue to our HR department.

**********

From: Human Resources
To:  Bettie <bettie@Brickwood-Logistics-Inc.com>, Tom Wolynski<tom@Brickwood-Logistics-Inc.com>, Terry Davos  <terry@Brickwood-Logistics-Inc.com>,  Mark Merk@Brickwood-Logistics-Inc.com>, karen@Brickwood-Logistics-Inc.com>, Dave Brass <dave@Brickwood-Logistics-Inc.com>
CC: abbiedavis@yahoo.com, Tad Hunter <tad@Brickwood-Logistics-Inc.com>, Richard Lempkin <lempkin@Brickwood-Logistics-Inc.com, Herbert Hunt <herberthunt@Brickwood-Logistics-Inc.com>, Olga Mathinson<olga@Brickwood-Logistics-Inc.com>, Peter <peter@Brickwood-Logistics-Inc.com>

BCC: GerBillBod90@aol.com
Subject: re: FWD: re: FWD: re: re: re: Whoops!  Finance Presentation

I don’t think this is actionable.

In the meantime, though, I saw Olga at her computer so I’m going to ask her to join.  I’m CC’ing in a few guys from shipping and a wildcard as well.  THIS IS GONNA BE THE WILDEST THREAD EVERRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

– Orson Kruel, Human Resources

**********

From: GerBillBod90@aol.com
To:  Bettie <bettie@Brickwood-Logistics-Inc.com>, Tom Wolynski<tom@Brickwood-Logistics-Inc.com>, Terry Davos  <terry@Brickwood-Logistics-Inc.com>,  Mark Merk@Brickwood-Logistics-Inc.com>, karen@Brickwood-Logistics-Inc.com>, Dave Brass <dave@Brickwood-Logistics-Inc.com>
CC: abbiedavis@yahoo.com, Tad Hunter <tad@Brickwood-Logistics-Inc.com>, Richard Lempkin <lempkin@Brickwood-Logistics-Inc.com, Herbert Hunt <herberthunt@Brickwood-Logistics-Inc.com>, Olga Mathinson<olga@Brickwood-Logistics-Inc.com>, Peter <peter@Brickwood-Logistics-Inc.com>

Subject: re: FWD: re: FWD: re: re: re: Whoops!  Finance Presentation

sup niggas?

gerbillbod90